ROGER

ON BOARD THE QUEEN ELIZABETH. IWAS WALKING OUT OF FRIENDS’ CABIN WITH HALF THEIR STUFF. I WAS ALWAYS EMBARRASSING ROGER THAT WAY. POOR MAN.

Well folks, this is it. What I believe will be my last update. I will be rambling here. I was planning on doing this later but some have asked me about flowers, chocolates or donations. So let me bring you up to speed.

There are no words to tell you how I am or where I am in my head. I don’t even know. So difficult to see anything with wet eyes. Simply put I suppose devastation is the word. Or numb. Shell shocked.

We never got to go for the trial. The Macmillan nurse came and saw how poorly Roger was doing and got him a bed in the Garden House Hospice. (MORE ON THIS LATER). He went in on Wednesday, the 18^th, and we were hoping it was only for the pain and to get him better for the trial. The doctor gave us the truth. Floor open now and swallow me whole.

I thought I had lost him twice last week but I was in there fighting for him. He did sort of surprise the doctors how he hung on. I told them, they had to remember Roger had the insides of a man 40 years younger. Often, over the years, medical people would tell him a 30 year old would wish for Roger’s blood pressure or heartbeat and healthy body. That was what was keeping him here. His insides.

Equally, it is because of his insides that I believe kept the mesothelioma at bay. Very few people live as long as Roger did once exposed to meso. His exposure was about 40 years ago. He was at the bottom or top, however you want to look at it, of the chart. There are people who worked at the World Trade Center clean-up and are now affected by it. Roger did great that way. So his insides helped a lot.

I would sleep in the chair next to his bed. The wonderful people at the hospice offered me a bed in a room but I wanted to stay next to him in case he called me or so I could help him.

It wasn’t a straight up and down chair luckily. It was one of those chairs with buttons that make it go up and down. Now you need to understand me here. Give me something with buttons to push and I’m a kid in a toy store. Whenever we were on a plane, half the flight I was pushing the buttons on my seat and the other half of the flight, I would be pushing the buttons on Roger’s seat until he yelled at me to stop. Me and buttons. Oh yeah.

I would sleep there and get up, go home do stuff, try for a bit of sleep and go back to feed him, or shower or toilet. Whatever was needed doing. On Saturday night, I was sleeping and the nurses came in to check on him. Something said to me, go home. I was torn. I didn’t want to leave him and I didn’t want to stay. It suddenly hit me. Why am I fighting this? He’s not going to get any better. He will not get well. Am I doing this just for those minutes of recognition on his part? They took such great care of him. I couldn’t do anything near what they were doing. I said good-bye, once again, told him I loved him, I wouldn’t be coming back, kissed him and left at 4AM. They called me four hours later.

I’ve since been told by a few people, it seems the patients know when you’re there and they wait until you leave to go. He did. I was glad it was a Sunday. I didn’t have to do any business. I could just sit on the couch and cry in the dark.

I tried my best. My very best to keep him going. If someone said, one thing was good, I bought ten. If something was good at breakfast, I did it at breakfast, lunch and dinner. When he liked something, I bought out the store supply. If I read something, I found it. Nothing could stop me but the cancer. Bigger than me.

One of the support team at the hospice asked if we had said the things we needed to. I told her we did that EVERY SINGLE DAY OF OUR LIVES. So no major need to make up for lost time. One day driving up to him, it hit me, I had no regrets. Everything had been said. I didn’t need that second chance. That gave me great relief.

I don’t know what will become of the BRYAN&ROGER band now. I guess it will be JUST BRYAN. I am not going to make any major decisions for the next 6 months or so. I simply have to plan on brushing my teeth, to eat and pay bills. That is it.

The only caveat to this is he wanted his ashes to go on a cruise. We’d always talked about doing the NILE. It was always number one to do next, then something else would come up then the Nile was put back to number two. This happened several times. Well, I am 99% sure I am going to do this for his birthday in March. This will be my only decision off hand. It will be our last cruise together.

He didn’t want a funeral. He wanted his life celebrated. He wanted a party where we had our wedding reception, the first wedding mind you. We had two. Consequently, at a later date when I am ready, we’ll have the party that he wanted.

The support you all have given us and now me. All I can say is thank you. We thank you so very much. You have no idea how you have helped.

Several people wanted to know what they could do.

For those interested, you can donate in the name of ROGER GIBBENS to:

GARDEN HOUSE HOSPICE

GILLISON CLOSE,

LETCHWORTH GARDEN CITY,

HERTS SG6 1QU

IMPORTANT: FOR THE PEOPLE NOT LIVING IN THE UK.

Your checks are not worth the paper they are written on. Lol. So.

You can do this by credit card.

Email:

cathy.askew@ghhospice.co.uk

With your name,

address,

card no.,

exp. date.

Security no. on back or amex on front.

The details of donation.

She will get back to you if there is a problem.

Roger and I sincerely thank you for every good wish, word, card, call etc. And chocolate truffle I did not share with him!

I don’t know what is down the road for me, or down-ocean once I stop crying however, the one thing that Roger said that kept him going about leaving me was he knew I would be fine.

So thanks again and I’ll be fine.

EVENTUALLY.